14 hours 21 minutes— I took a short nap in the afternoon, humoured by the dream I could vaguely remember as recollections to recently catalogued memories. I saw two tribe men atop a cliff side, hastily packing their equipment as an encroaching rival tribe loomed closer. It was from an iceberg video about the Sentinelese that I watched. There was a segment of photo illusions— two people side by side forming a single image using forced perspective. I have been playing a lot of Infinity nikki where that is a game mechanic. That was 14 hours ago since I last rested, the night prior to that was another period of fitful sleep despite taking my medication for that night. Maybe it was the cellphone, or the pleasant company I had. I wish I could keep communicating with others. I miss talking. I miss human company.
I’m tired, my body urges me to rest, my movement is lethargic and there is a hollowness in my chest. But at the same time I am acutely awake and aware of my surroundings. I tried to lay down and wait for sleep. It wouldn’t come. It’s guaranteed not to come when I am weaning off this medication. The medication in question also happened to be a mood stabilizer, and although I did not take a dosage that could greatly impact my psyche, I can imagine my mood will still be affected by the withdrawals.
I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling very frustrated. Frustrated at nothing in particular. What does frustration mean actually…… the googled description states “the feeling of being upset or annoyed, especially because of inability to change or achieve something.” I think that fits what I’m feeling. Intertwined with jealousy, also to nothing in particular. I don’t know if these are old feelings or new, there is a sense of nostalgia to this pent up frustration, like I’ve felt this before and I’m going through the motions again. I’m very jealous. I’m very frustrated. At what? I think my current position in life is comfortable. I am communicating with other people and going outside. What am I jealous of. What am I frustrated of. I’m anticipating something, theres a deficit that I yearn for but cannot pinpoint. Do I actually need it? Would I still feel this way if I were sound of mind and completely absolved of medication withdrawals. I don’t know, if I write it down maybe I’ll find the answer. I’m merely passing time until my body gives out and I finally sleep. I think its close, I am nodding off in a literal sense where I have to jolt my head back slightly to keep writing.
Am I lonely? I don’t think so, I have fun conversations everyday and I speak to my mom who likes me.
Am I lonely? I don’t know. not now. It has been a long time since I’ve last genuinely felt loneliness but even then I was never alone. I am surrounded by people and my family cares now. They always had for a long time, it just took some trial and error. I have family, I have touched a human being, I think you need that in order to survive, more specifically to maintain your drive to survive. I think your body can make do when its on fight or flight mode, but I don’t think the mind will be the same after. I’m fortunate to have never gone to that point. Knock on wood.
I drew a little bit, I discovered some new songs as well. I’m still art blocked though and yes! There! The frustration of being unable to create what I want. It’s normal. It’s incredibly normal there’s almost no point in bringing it up because every artist, maybe even everyone for other hobbies had a mind block at some point. Another ailment, the same as everyone else. The same as everyone else.
There was a point where I couldnt draw anything at all. At least I tried. I don’t need to think about the scenario where I kept drawing and just practiced. Imperfection is practice. Create it first, you can make it better later. I didn’t follow that advice, I mostly chased after hedonistic thrills. I’m a bit disappointed in my poor memory retainment, many of my indulgences have been daydreaming and imagining scenarios. I can remember the days spent in my head, but I can scarce remember what I even thought of. Very sad, I think I had fun ideas in the past. I think this is the point of writing down my train of thought, so I can remember later on. I think I would remember the feeling of insomnia, but not how I felt or thought during it. Yes this will do. I will try to sleep again. I will try to catalogue again the next time I am off my meds. Next week I will be spacing my no-medication days by two. Oh, the caffeine I drank that afternoon probably didn’t help in hindsight hm. I switched to tea for a reason…..

Lori ✦

Currently Listening to:
Nothing

Feeling:
Bone tired